First time…

There is a infinite number of first times because in order to do something there has to be a first time. There are ones that are happy, ones that are sad, ones that hurt, and ones you wish never happened. I remember my first time riding a bike, how scared I was , but I knew all I had to do was make it to mom and I’d be safe, then make it back to dad. I remember the first time I seen my wife and how I was like WOW… Also I remember the first time I’ve let someone down, the first time I betrayed a loved one. Every year when it’s your birthday it becomes the first time you became that age. Today is my first time being 31yrs old and I’ll be it 365 more days so pretty much 365 more times. But theres something else that is a first time today, a first time in 30+ plus years. It’s the first time i have a birthday without my aunty sharlene, the first time i dont hear her say happy birthday, and the first time she wont be there when we have cake and ice cream. Aug 17 2018 she went to be with the LORD, I’d be lying if i said i dont miss her everyday. You see shes been such a pillar in my life , shes been there always when I needed it and when I got married and had kids she was there for them also as if it were her own. She gave without ever expecting anything back in return, she gave even to those who would speak against her, she had a true characteristic of GOD, giving of herself without wanting anything back. My kids grew up with her around, jumping on her, climbing on her and receiving her unconditional love. You see my aunty always put others before herself, anytime me or my brothers needed something she’d be there to help however she could..whether it be wanting the newest gaming console out there or needing money, she gave with all of her heart. Me and my family lived with her for the past 6 years, we spent everyday with her and she always had her arms open for us. There will be many more first times, like first time she womt be here for Thanksgiving, Christmas etc.. it’ll be tough but because of GOD and HIS love I know we’ll be fine. I know most people are excited to see her again in heaven but idk ….I know she’ll be there but honestly I’m excited to be in the presence of GOD, to be able to see JESUS and hug HIM and say sorry and to worship GOD constantly. There are times when people get caught up thinking of who they will see when they get to heaven when GOD is saying ” arent you excited to be with ME”?.. I’m not saying that I dont miss her and that i wish she was here, because i do miss her and want to see her, but we need to have a love for GOD that is above all else,, a love that just thinking of being in HIS presence makes us shiver and fall to our knees. If GOD isnt our first and true love then when the love of/from another fails us it will devastate us, but if GOD is first then that fallen love will just be a thing of the past, GOD always loves us, it’s just our sin that he hates, HE wants us to worship HIM not for HIS glory but because that’s the safest place for us to be. Do you remember the first time you felt HIS presence? If you haven’t yet i can help guide you there. Today I will miss my aunty, yeah that’s true, but I long for the presence of GOD and never want to have that feeling of missing HIM. GOD loves you and through it all HE will always be there.

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A NEW RELIGION

Yes, that’s right, a new religion. We now have added a new religion to this world and this society amongst the many religions that this world has, these corrupt religions. So what is the new religion? It’s the religion of sex. Now when I say sex I dont mean the act of sex but as in the sex that we are. You see all that the society and government talks about is, transgenderism, homosexuality, gender equality, abortion, and so on. It’s like we so not choose to believe in GOD that we say oh well what’s the next best thing, ok, sex and sexual acts, let’s make that lord over our life now. Let’s make laws pertaining to their so called rights and say it’s out of love and this is what “GOD would want us to do”, be loving and caring to everyone and not care about truth, but hey as long as it feels good right.

I know this is a very controversial topic and it tends to offend many people, but hey I’m speaking on what GOD wants and not what other people want. You see we play god now, we say you dont wanna be what you were created to be then ok we can fix that. But even though they can make a man’s private part “like” a womans, that person will never be able to bare a child, that person will always be a man no matter what they feel like. GOD dont make mistakes. You can make a female feel like a man and outward appearance look like a man but she will never be able to urinate in a urinal standing up. She will never be able to plant seed into another female, she will always be a she and be a “fake man”. Ooooh oh no I said it fake man, fake woman, well it’s the truth. It just amazes me how you can look around outside and see clearly that this world was created by a creator and still we say it’s not good enough let us change what you made GOD into what we feel like. We think it’s ok to put labels in front of our christianity, I guess because to us creating the universe then becoming a man, dieing on the cross and raising to life isnt good enough, we cant just be a Christian, we have to be a transgender Christian, a lesbian Christian, a gay Christian, part time christian, which again is all FAKE, you either are a Christian that fully follows GOD or you ain’t one at all, in fact in the bible JESUS says not to follow HIM more or just as much than HE says to follow HIM, HE says it in a way of if you ain’t gonna give me all you have then dont come at all,.. because like I said before, GOD DONT NEED YOU, what we do day by day wont change who GOD is it’ll only bring us closer to HIM or further from HIM, and trust me closer to HIM is where you want to be. You may be thinking why am I saying this and that I’ve not gone through what you have, yes correct that’s true but JESUS did HE came and was tempted just as we are… I have a brother who for as long as I know has been gay, Ive seen his struggles seen his hurts, I cant empathize with him but I know where he can find his strength and deliverance, it’s the same place we all can find our strength and deliverance, where I find it, it’s from GOD, the creator of the universe the one that loves us no matter what, and what I mean by that is that HE loves us as his creation, but that dont mean HE loves our sin. You see GOD has shown himself to be more than enough for me and everyday I need HIM more then yesterday. Open your eyes people to the goodness of GOD to HIS love and to HIS truth HE loves you so much that he sent HIS only son to die for you knowing that you would turn your back on HIM knowing that you would curse HIM knowing that you would blame GOD for every wrong thing that happened in your life and forget all the great things that HE has done for you. Through it all GOD will always remain HE will never change HE loves you and so do I GOD Bless.

BLACK COFFEE!!

I gotta say I do love me some black coffee. Some of you might be like yuck, its strong,leaves a bitter taste in your mouth, well yup it sure does and plus I have it with no sugar added. You may be thinking why is it that I’m talking about coffee when looking at my previous blogs I wrote about life. Well I’m doing the same here. A lot of times people like to hear things sugar coated, they want a frappuccino they dont want the unedited truth, the black coffee of there life because it leaves a bitter taste in there mouth and honestly a lot of times it’s just too strong for them. In this blog I ain’t gonna sugar coat anything because as my pastor says “your blessing is on the other side of your obedience ” so please dont shoot the messenger.

You see a lot of times we say GOD is so called LORD of our lives when society now a days tells you that you are god you are lord of your life and honestly many of us tend to like it that way. We bring GOD down and say that HE makes mistakes like, oh GOD put me in the wrong body he made me a male/female but actually I feel like I’m the opposite. We take feelings and make that lord and say no GOD your truth is wrong because I feel like I’m this or like I’m that, honestly that is the farthest from the truth you can get, to say that the perfect GOD made a mistake and now we have science and technology to fix what GOD did wrong and make it right. PLAIN AND SIMPLE GOD DONT MAKE MISTAKES… We like to add a extra label in front of Christian to make like being a actual Christian isnt good enough, there is no half way, it’s either you are a Christian or you ain’t. Look through my previous blogs if you have to and you can see my failures my downfalls, yeah I have many of them but through HIS grace I made it through.

Our perception of GOD and who HE is has become so small to where we believe we can make HIM to be who we want so that we can satisfy our own needs. Now yes GOD does love you and always will but he will never love your sin, and you may be saying it’s ok that I continue to live in sin because HIS grace abounds but the bible clearly states that because HIS grace abounds it doesn’t give us a right to sin and live in sin. Oh but I’m a sinner saved by grace you say…well that ain’t true either because a sinner is someone who lives in there sin and continues to do it with no regret. You are either a sinner or saved not both. In the bible it states that when you become saved that you are a new creature, old things have passed away. It’s like if you were once a dog and now your a cat, you dont do things the same, yes you may sin but you dont live in it . A lot of times what we do is we add GOD to all the other gods in our life the other things that control us , we think saying a prayer makes it all better and GOD can come along with my porn,my lust, my homosexuality, but we never give HIM all of us. That was me, I also was like that, I added GOD onto my lust and never gave him all of me. Honestly that has become common nature now a days, just because we feel goosebumps or chicken skin in a church service we think we gave HIM our all but we continue to tell HIM that HE ain’t good enough, ” GOD YOU MADE ME WRONG”. You may be thinking that wow GOD is selfish and wants us all to HIMSELF but let me tell you straight ” HE DONT NEED YOU” GOD will be GOD with or without you if you choose to serve HIM or not is up to you because HE is eternal and nothing you can or dont do will ever change that. HE wants our time and all of us because that is the best place for us, HE is that lighthouse shining into the sea HE never moves and guides you to safety, the wind and the waves can rise against you but HIS light will continue to shine, it’s up to you to follow it or not. The lighthouse doesn’t tell the boat that if you dont come to me I’ll fall apart, or that it’ll change, because when tomorrow comes it’ll continue to shine with or without you and that’s exactly how GOD is. So let’s stop bringing GOD down and doing with HIM as we please trying to add our feelings onto HIS word just to benefit us when HE can supply all of our needs and more. Maybe you read this and felt offended saying I dont know what your going through idk how hard it’s been and yeah that’s obvious I dont know what you been through but GOD does and he spoke to me to tell you that HE is there waiting for you, waiting for you to give HIM all of you not because HE needs you but because we need HIM. When it comes down to it and its feelings versus truth, truth always will win and THROUGH IT ALL, GOD WILL BE GOD WITH OR WITHOUT YOU.

Seeing GOD.

Wait what? Seeing GOD? Did I die or something and see GOD you may be wondering, and the answer is no I didnt die, I was alive when this happened. Let me share what happened with you.

You see after all that I’ve been through in my childhood through my youth and what me and my wife went through in our marriage it’s a complete miracle that our marriage is still a marriage and not a co parenting life where there was a divorce and the end of a family. Yes if you read the previous blogs you will see how horrible I was as a husband, how my childhood was and that I’ve fallen many times and have had many issues to deal with but like the main theme of my blogs says ” Through it all, GOD remains”. So after dealing with what I needed to deal with, with that darkness inside life was finally back on track, now it can never be like it was before because before I had been with just one woman , my wife, but my plan isnt to get things like before it’s with the grace of GOD to get it even better.

In 2016 I started running and exercising to get in better shape for my kids and for myself in general. I would go running with the kids and my oldest son. I was blessed to be able to run in the great aloha run, half marathon and even finished a leg of the spartan race. Not only was my physical life but also my spiritual life was getting in shape. Playing worship music was always something I loved to do and I was blessed to be able to be a part of a worship team at a local church. In August that year while working out I injured my back pretty bad to where getting in the car was extremely hard to do. After going to the doctors and specialist it was made known that I was going to need a back surgery to remove part of a bulging disc. With this injury it put me out of work and I’ve always been the one to work and bring in the income, in this moment I really needed to trust GOD to get us through, not knowing how things would be paid. We would even sell food on the roadside to make whatever money we could, but GOD was always making a way to provide for us…

The day of the surgery came and me and my wife went to the hospital to get checked in. The surgery went well and it was one that I could go home the same day so that was nice. There still was a lot of pain and at times it seemed to be even worse. 2 weeks went by and it got way worse to where I had to go back to the surgeon and he booked me for surgery that night, I thought to myself, not another surgery, I’ve already been out long enough, but it was this surgery that allowed me to see GOD like I never have before, to see HIM with my eyes. After the surgery I needed to stay in the hospital for 4 days, now we weren’t prepared for that being that we met the surgeon that morning 8am and he planned surgery for 6pm. We had family watch the kids because I was in a lot of pain I asked my wife to stay over with me. Now the fact that I even had a private room was a blessing in itself, I used to take care of a client at his house and his wife used to be the president of queens in the 90s I believe, so I texted her before the surgery asking if she could help me to get a private room so my wife could stay with me, 10minutes later the room was ready. You see GOD never left. So after the surgery as I was sleeping in the room and my wife was on the pull out chair they set up for her I began to think of my past and all the things I did. I looked and my wife and remembered her telling me before ” who’s going to be there for you if you go hospital ever, are any of those ladies gonna be there to take care of you”.. She was right, they weren’t there but she was my wife was, she was there to help me turn, help me urinate in the urinal, give me a bed bath. You see I didnt deserve that , I betrayed her, I stabbed her in the back not once but twice, i made her feel worthless, like it was all for nothing but she was there. So yes that’s when I seen GOD I seen GOD I seen JESUS in my wife. Someone that was broken down, betrayed, stabbed, practically spit on and told your worthless but yet still there with LOVE unconditionally. Its because of GOD that she stayed strong it’s because she loved HIM more then she loved me and that’s how it needs to be. You cant love someone more then you love GOD because GOD can give you what no one can and that is a peace beyond all understanding, that is a joy like no other. I used to say that my grandmother( my moms mother) was the strongest woman of GOD I knew but that is my wife. My grandmother never had the best marriage either but she loved GOD more than anything and taught for my grandpa till his last breath. Dont get caught up in the relevancy of this world and how it wants you to be, your father in heaven loves you and what he thinks of you is more important than anyone else, do things to please HIM , it’s not because he needs it but it’s because getting closer to HIM is the best place we can be. I thank you for reading this, I will continue to share in these blogs the goodness of GOD and his hearts desire for you and I’d love for you to come along with me. GOD loves you.

Again??

Again? Did it happen again, did I have yet another affair, Is this the end of it all, family, marriage, everything? I would love to say that I was able to get pass this dark side of my life but to be honest, it didn’t happen that way.

So after leaving the previous place of employment where that certain mistress worked I felt good, I felt like my life was finally back on track, the family was doing well enough, I know the trust between me and wife would never be the same but I knew what I did was wrong. I started working at another nursing home further away from home, a place where my older brother worked, everything seemed to be fine. My brother let people know there that I was married and to leave me alone so I felt comfortable thinking that one dealt with that seed, that issue and now I can work hard and provide for my family. As I continued working I noticed that there was a co worker a female co worker that would come around to my side of the facility and ask if I need help, check in on me and make sure I was ok. I was a bit uncomfortable about it knowing what I went through so I asked my brother about this person and he assured me that she was a good friend, like a sister and that he had asked her to help me get used to the place and if I needed help. Knowing that I felt comfortable and I guess you can say let my guard down. We would end up working a lot together and I always had the help needed if even if I didnt need any help really at all it was there, but not knowing that inside that seed began to grow and bear fruit again. It then came to a point to where of either catch the bus to work or get dropped off and wait for my younger brother on his way home from town and pick me up at my older brothers house and take me home. I did this because we had only one car and I’d rather it be home with my wife and kids. Not always I had a way to my brothers house, sometimes he’d be tired or just not able to pick me up so his friend offered me a ride the same one that would come around and help me. Now that thing inside me was awakening and I didnt even know it. Long story short, I had another affair. I tried to make like nothing happened but everyone knew something was up, my wife was able to pick me up from work but I said no, I started to try and hide, started to drink with co workers after work. My wife suspected I was talking with someone again but didnt know what for sure.

May 12 2014 our 7 year anniversary. We were getting ready to go out that night to dinner and a show down the road and my wife gets a phone call, it’s from the lady I was talking to, she told my wife that we had been sexually involved more then once, stating “he must of liked it if he came back for more”. So think about it, the year before being pregnant finding out I had an affair then the year after on our wedding anniversary finding out it happened again. I really dont believe anyone can fathom what my wife was going through, what I did. So instead of getting ready to go out she packed my clothes called my parents and said to come pick me up. How could I do it again?

I went back to my psychiatrist for help, he was very upset and said my wife can do whatever she wants she can leave and he wont tell her not to, and that was fair. I didnt know what was gonna happen but I started to believe this is the end I screwed up too much. The psychiatrist referred me to a Christian group that holds a 32 week class called pure desire, it’s for men who have done the same as me or even worse, we get together and talk and find the root problem of it all. This was good because I didnt just have pastors telling me what was right and what not but there were men saying I’ve went through the exact same thing as you and this is how I got out of it. I learned that even though I had stopped watching porn that there was something still there, that my way of thinking needed to change and that I needed to forgive that person that introduced me into porn even though that person didn’t think it was anything big at all neither did my parents think that watching porn was anything big at all. I remember one of the days driving up to the meeting, my wife would drop me off, (we were living in the same house but not the same room so that I was there for the kids) she told me ” if you do t get your life straight then dont get mad when you see another man with your kids because I dont deserve a man like you” BOOM!!!… She was completely 100% right, she did nothing wrong and she deserved better. I would go week after week to the class and re train my way of thinking, how I’d get to close to people, I finally felt my connection with GOD come back. I’d like to say that in the end everything was back to normal but no it’s not, there will still be that lack of trusting me and I agree with it but the thing is that THROUGH IT ALL ,GOD was always there, he never left, he kept my family safe he kept me safe and as always he helped me to become the man I was meant to be. This is not the end of my life story, I still have more to share more of how GOD showed up. Next I want to share with you of when I seen GOD in person. You may be thinking wait what,, GOD in person… Yes and I will share it with you. GOD loves you and has great plans for your life.

Manifestation of a monster…

Fatherhood…Amazing wife… happy family… that sounds like a good life right, needs are met GOD is good and life is great. Then it all happened, the utter monstrosity the seed that been planted so long ago that every time it would sprout I’d just cover it with more soil not knowing that the soil was only giving it more room to grow more nutrients. But wait, I’m a christian, I love GOD, I hear HIS voice this wont happen it never will right? I love my kids I love my wife. HOW CAN THIS HAPPEN?

That wasnt just a question I asked but also a question my wife and family asked. An AFFAIR? No it cant be not jarrett. But the truth is, yes it happened. In 2013 we were expecting our 5th child another boy and that happened to be the same time that the seed sprouted and manifested into a life changing SIN. It changed my life, our life big. Every night as long as I knew I’d sleep in the same bed with my wife before going to work for the graveyard shift but now I couldn’t even do that. I felt not like myself, I would constantly be on the phone with this mistress being to afraid not to be because if I wasn’t then my shift at work would be very hard. You see this woman was also a senior worker where I worked, she trained me and was somewhat of a supervisor who even told me she could not pass my from probation. But wait wait that’s not a good excuse cause I could of just dealt with the extra work, but why did this have such a strong hold on me. Going through this for my wife was excruciating, being that she was pregnant and not knowing if it was really happening or not. You see I’d have pastors come over and talk with me and my wife and I’d assure them I wasn’t having a sexual relationship with anyone else beside my wife. That was a lie, it’s more like I wasnt having a relationship with my wife. The man she married the man she saved herself for the man she carried his children for became a monster. I dont think much people really realize what was at stake there a lot of people still think oh it happens to everyone but no we ain’t everyone. I wouldn’t kiss my wife I wouldn’t hug or hold her throughout the latter part of the pregnancy when she needed it most.

Jeremiah was born May 2 2013 ,I was there physically but not how I should of been, I felt an massive void in me, I kissed my wife after the birth but even she felt the was nothing behind it like it was before. With the past 4 kids I would take off of work after there birth but this one I didnt I went to work that night and my sister in law stayed with my wife overnight. I remember getting a text from my wife about 1am while she was in the hospital saying she though the baby had stopped breathing, my reply was “ok”. Honestly writing this I just feel so disgusted of myself, I mean what the Frenchtoast how did I let this happen. So it came to the point where the truth came out, my wife packed her clothes and the kids and left to her moms house. I remember that day she left I went upstairs my mom and dad was there and I just cried saying what’s wrong with me, WHY WHY WHY. But still that thing in me wasnt stopping. I felt bi polar I knew it was wrong but I couldn’t stop, couldn’t stop talking to her and just to make things clear the was more then taking that happened I did have a sexual relationship with this mistress. I remember going to work that night and returning home the next morning, you see every morning my kids wait at the door when I come home yelling yay dads home, but this time… nothing.. there was no one to come home to and that was my fault. I’d drive to waianae to visit the kids with my sister in law and I remember her telling me that my wife just looked like a zombie. Put yourself in her shoes as you read this, she saved herself for me and I threw it away like it was nothing, we were each others first and now I’ve added another. I ended the relationship with that mistress and started to get myself right with GOD because I couldn’t just do this for me or my wife and family I needed to do it for HIM because he is my first love and HE is one that I also betrayed.

I started seeing a christian psychiatrist that really helped me to deal with what was going on. Three months later they moved back for school but the relationship with my wife didnt just get fixed that easily, that trust was now gone. But you see my wife was more worried on my relationship with GOD more than anything she wanted to know that he was my center. I quit where I was working because the mistress was there and I needed to get far away. I learned to connect to GOD again, because through it all HE never left me or my wife. When all this happened she leaned on HIM so much and he carried her through HE carried us through. I want to say that everything goes great from here but it doesn’t that root was still there deep in my soul but would I be able to finally cut that root out or would it sprout again. I hope you come along with me and hear how through it all GOD remained.

Fatherhood

Becoming a parent isn’t something you can practice for, it’s something you have to learn on the go. After getting married later that year we had our first child, a daughter in November of 2007. In that moment the amount of growth and maturity that happens isn’t small it’s pretty big. Now you have another life to take care of another life to nurture. You see as a parent I see it as if your children are standing on your shoulder as you carry them, that all of your head knowledge and wisdom is at there feet.

Growing up my father always did his best to be around and involved in everything we did and sports was a big part of it. From flag football, basketball, volleyball he was always our coach. Me and my younger brother would catch bus after school 19 miles down the road to meet our dad and play sports. This is something I would want to take into my fatherhood, to be able to be there for my kids in sports and mesh both aspects of my parents. Be in the yard always and teaching my kids to do yardwork so the mom wouldn’t have to. Teaching them to play sports like I’ve learned. To say that you want to be just like your parents would be selling yourself short, the goal is to learn from them and do your best to raise your children in the best way possible. The best way I know is raising them up in the ways of the lord, teach and show them what is right, that saving yourself for marriage is important, that if they cant obey there parents that they can see then how do you expect them to obey a GOD they cant see. We would go on to have 5 beautiful children 4 boys 1 girl. Life seems to be good, happy marriage, children. But not knowing around the corner something was ready to manifest and explode in a big way. But GOD is good and HIS love endures forever. Next I’ll share on how a manifestation almost ended it all and show you what the love of GOD really is.